Alas, he's such a wonderful person...I love the natural sweet scent of skin, his unusually dark brown eyes, his mischievious smile, holding my hand with his right hand as he steers his big unnecessary SUV around with his left. Moments of silence yet solace, of relaxation. Simple evenings spent together drinking green tea and reading novels by Paulo Coelho together, analyzing what we've both read after together. I love watching him pensively write in his journal, and pasting photographs of memories and other pieces of points in time. I love his short Mexican temper, it's so endearing.

Look at him when he was little! Cute, well-behaved Mexican boy!



But can you see that naughtyness I'm talking about in his eyes? It's so there.



And the way he kisses...our lips were constructed for eachother. I don't think I've met someone as good of a kisser.

I have 10 weeks left to enjoy with his wonderful guy...how will I piece myself back together when he's gone? How will we go from spending everyday together to...not? Are we supposed to stop talking everyday? I mean I just don't know what we're supposed to do. It's so complicated...I don't even want to think about it anymore, but i just needed to vent this out.

So when I told Sofia's sisters about this yes, they were upset about the other's reactions, but when I said I wanted to confront those people,  they insinuated I was being a "drama queen". Fuck that. I went up to Nancy and Jose and was like, "Is there a problem because I thought I heard the adjective 'disgusting' dropped as I walked by and I don't think that's cool," and they were all denying it and what not claiming they had gay uncles who they were super close with. But I know what I heard, I have a third eye and can spot deception from a mile away. Nancy kept stuttering nervously and didn't seem to know what to say as  the same with Jose, and then Raphael sort of apologized but seemed to have really awkward responses to me and his excuses seemed really ingenuine, as if he was avoiding to offend me.

I just get shocked sometimes when I encounter these forms of homophobia. I hate feeling like a 2nd class citizen. If I want to kiss my boy on the dance floor I should be able to without these kinds of issues. I hate having to comprise who I am as person for other people's feelings. If you've got a problem with me say it to my face but don't act like you're my bff and then stab me in the back. It's so fucking immature and it makes me feel like I'm HS again.

There's about maybe 5 cities in the United States that qualify as being true cities, in my opinion. New York, San Francisco, Chicago, Boston, Washington DC - the rest are pretty much made up of what I call, "sprawlzilla". This kind of bullshit:

The reason why I despise most American cities is because first of all, most were constructed during the glory period of automobiles. Believe it or not, most American cities once had a vast light rail, or "street car" system. But come Ford galore, they were ripped away from the streets in the 1960's and from there urban America went downhill. Instead of building up, we built out. You go to Europe and wonder why American cities don't have centuries old pastel-colored buildings with winding, cosy cobble stone streets, a mama shaking a persian rug out the window, threatening her husband in the meantime who is shouting at her down below, all while you order your latte in some mom and pop café? Because those cities were built in a time when the concept of a suburb and a car didn't even exist. Families lived in the cities. Anyways, then you shutter as you think about how you'll have to go back home to your 9-5 job (which doesn't include the 2 hour daily commute to work) and your 2 week vacation you're too afraid to take as the French take their 8 in some exotic province of Thailand.

That's life for most Americans. Most Americans who haven't traveled. I mean hell, if I'd never been outside Dallas before I'd think it'd be a fantastic city. But once you see a real city, like Paris, Copenhagen, or New York, you can never go back.

The second reason why I despise most American cities is that there has been no implementation of growth control. Because we live in a society based on greed and quick fixes, we rape the surrounding virginal countryside of our cities and build colossal, automobile-dependant, low density suburbs 20 miles outside downtown leaving gaping holes in between satellite towns. All the white people move out of the city, bear their 2.5 children, get divorced, and live happily ever after in their golf-course community. Then a massive highway is constructed, once again gang-banging the land and the enviornment just so Ming and Wong can now realize their version of the American Dream too, in a "planned" gated community constructed virtually only of cardboard and designed too look like identical Barbie Doll Houses. But to Ming and Wong, recent immigrants from Vietnam, this is the dream life. Little did they know their houses will decompose in about 20 years.

You see, I'm not against people realizing their suburban dream. Of course, if I had it my way, we'd all be living in skyscrapers but that's not feasible. But what angers me about this country is how careless we are about where we build our suburbs, and how we build them. Copenhagen, for example, has tons of wonderful suburbs that are spacious. But space is utilized wisely. Instead of leaving chasms between house to house, they are built closer together, made more humanely, planting lots of vegetation in between. In addition, instead of using unnecessary space such as Cinderalla-castle like staircases in the entrance, the houses are constructed to be more functional and less palatial-feeling. Unless you live in a seriously affluent area with huge homes (in other words, appear on Cribs), nobody's going to believe you really live the American Dream. It's more like the wannabe American Dream, like Ming and Wong have. Omgimsomean.

In many European suburbs, public transportation is so widespread that a car is unneeded. In Copenhagen and Amsterdam, 2/3's of the population own a bike which is used not for horsing around but as a commuting option. "ZOMG YOU PAY SO MUCH TAXES THO," right-wing Americans cry - yes, we do. But there are also results for us doing so. Safe, zoned bicycle lanes, not just a white stripe alongside the exit lane. There is also a strong presence of subways and light rail and a wide and frequent array of buses. This is one of the reasons why Europeans stay so slim and fit. It also promotes more positive human interaction. Many suburbs will have a delightful main throughfare in which families can hang out and there's also still a degree of urbanity. Parts of San Francisco have this from what I've seen, like in Berkeley. Here in San Diego, often I feel like there's nobody around because everyone's stuck in their cars.

Moreover, American cities lack much identity because one, people are too insta-minded (as in, we want to be comfortable so we use our ankle to flex our way to the supermart in a four-wheeled machine), so instead of promoting the growth of family business-owned, cute grocers, we allow the seemingly inevitable construction of corporate empires such as Wal-Mart, Target, etc, which not only rid suburbs of any sense of atmosphere, but also steal jobs from those very people who work at independent stores. When I travel around most American cities I'm appalled by the lack of diversity in stores and choice. This is what I usually see:



Often these "shopping" centers are inaccessible by foot from your house, so you have no choice but to hop your fat ass into your pick up truck and then desperately find the nearest and closest park spot to the store so your fat ass doesn't have to walk because you're so lazy.



It's horrific how much land is wasted and calories are gained for these insanely huge parking lots! If these stores were better integrated with instead of isolated from houses, people wouldn't have to resort to driving 0.3 miles to this black hole of a place. Imagine a main street with these shops that didn't feel like a canyon from side to side, that was near your house and didn't require hassle.

I myself have lived in some pretty terrible suburbs, one of the worst being Poway, an ultra republican, white-washed sprawl-infested suburb 17 miles away from Downtown San Diego. I remember all we could do was go the mall or see a movie. Everything we did revolved around the car. Even so, being without a car was not an option. Transit was a joke and we all had to rely on our mommies for rides. It was terrible, no wonder kids out there got into drugs and what not, there was nothing else to do. Many kids I knew had never even been to downtown, their white SoccerXpowerXmoM's telling them a frightening variety of evil-city tales, something to do with black people, taxi's, and pedestrian-only streets. Then came La Jolla and it was glamour from then on.

But, I digress. This diatribe really only says one thing at the end of the day - here in America there needs to be more focus on city planning and more emphasis on creating sustainable, liveable cities. Excesses of the baby boomer generation will not go without consequences, as we can already see - why do you think America's biggest cities are all straining to function, traffic jams, pollution, eviornmental destruction and all? Older suburbs becoming deserted as they don't look as fresh and the newer, more up and coming ones.

I'm a hardcore urbanist and enviornmentalist. You should be to. We all need to get more involved with city planning and not let it be hijacked by corporations excited to build another money-eating, minimum-wage paying megastore:



vs.



What looks more appealing?

 

Although I must say from my perspecive - nowhere in America is more appealing than California (and the west coast in general). Sure, it has its faults. But the "cool" factor is just not as present anywhere else. Ít's diverse here but in a clean, fresh way. East Coast diversity feels just gritty and dirty to me. I've driven up and down the East Coast several times, and while I like a lot of places individually, the greater picture of it all is just...not as attractive. It doesn't feel "fresh".

I can apprecaite the colonial appeal of Boston, Charleston, Savannah, the dynamic feel of Washington DC, the down-to-earth vibe of Philly, the excitement of NYC. But all in all...I feelCalifornia has that and more.

People can say California are more superifical, fake, etc., but nobody can deny it's allure.

And the state with the least allure? New Jersey. So imma' rape it below.

There really aren't many places that appeal to me in the US.

For example, possible cities worth living in:

1.) NYC - Fantastic and mesmerizing, but honestly, it's just too enormous, I'd never be able to fathom it. Plus too Italian descent for me, I can't stand all the Guidos there parading around in K-SWISS shoes.
2.) Portland, Oregon - beautiful and progressive, but too granola for me. I need fashion bitches parading around in 300 dollar heels, not Birkenstocks kthx.
3.) Seattle, WA - Too white washed and rainy. I need a bit more diversity than blond hair and blue eyes and Aeroposthale shirts with Puka-shell necklaces to boot.
4.) Miami - I'm loving the Latin thing here in California, but there's a huge difference between Mexicans and Puerto Ricans. Mexicans are generally more reserved and polite, whereas most Puerto Ricans, me meaning actually "Nuyoricans" (and trust me, I know them, I lived in NJ and RI) sound like yapping hiyenas complainig about Ma and Papi and Sista. I don't know, there' just a whole different level of attitude.
5.) Chicago - Too obese.
6.) San Diego, CA (my hometown) - Beautiful city, affluent, generally clean-cut people....but the city is based on dumb wealth, aka Ambulance Chasers and what not. Too conservative and quite frankly, boring...also too many white All-American types.
7.) Los Angeles - more fashion conscious and progressive and divere, but people have no substance and I don't know, feels too plastic.

So San Francisco is really the place for me I guess. Tons of educated people, diverse, good balance of races, tons of things to do, great shopping opportunities, love the architecture and general feel of the city. Whether I can afford it, I'm not sure!

London is another option. If the US still has me still turned off by then, perhaps I'll have moved there.  I have EU citizenship so I have the choice of relocating nearly anywhere in the EU. We'll see how I feel about Scandinavia in a few years, once I've obtained my Bachelor's degree.

And it's peculiar...how I've been thinking so much about wanting a family lately. I've always disregarded the idea of children and what not, because I've only wanted to tend to me own selfish endeavors. I was scared that I could never actually be able to raise a child without screwing them up somehow. But lately I yearn for something...I want the feeling of being in a cosy cradle - if that makes sense? I want a husband and 2 kids to come home to. I want the feeling of having a true "home"...I want this sort of innocent, happy, delightful life. I fear being 40 and partying at gay clubs in Ibiza. At the same time, the pressures of gay culture are so strong...pressures to fuck around, party, live wildly, live against "the norm".

Will I ever outgrow that? I want to...but at the same time, everyone I'm surrounded by is so a part of it. It's impossible to escape, and of course there's a part of me that yearns to be in it as well.

There's also the part of me just being this eternal vagabond. I never feel content with anyplace I live in. I've traveled to so many countries, lived so many places, experienced so many things...that it's hard for me to stay put, I feel restless. I see myself in San Francisco, London, Melbourne, Copenhagen, Tokyo, etc...but living the lifestyle that I've had also comes with a price. You miss out on your family...you never feel like you have roots.

And the concept of feeling like I have "roots". I wanted that so badly with Denmark. But I've come to realize, in a good way, that I'll never be truly a Dane or truly anything. I'll always be a hybrid of cultures. The people I fit in best with are those who share similar backgrounds to me. I've met really cool Danes but the majority just seem...eh...boring. I hate to say it that way, but there's just something so rigid and conformative about them. I tried changing my personality to be like them but I realized what makes me unique is my eccentric personality. It's just that at times I feel there is no room for people like me there. As much as Denmark is "tolerant" and "free", it's also insanely homogenous and there's a tremendous social lack of diversity.

Don't even get me started on America.

Argh...it's all just so confusing. Where do I want to be? Who will I become? I'm happy, don't get me wrong...but just curious as to how my life will unfold.

I want the normal things in life.

Yet somehow I subconsciously strive to me the most abnormal person of anybody I know.

Well, well, well - it's been a while, no?

Basically a lot has transpired since my last update. I left for California March 14th (my seventh journey overseas in 5 months, I can't do that trip anymore!) and have been here in my hometown, San Diego, ever since.

Contrary to what so many people seem to think (and to my confusion) I have not moved permanently to San Diego. I'm only here until school resumes back in Denmark in August, so I have all this free time and if I'm going to sit around and be bored and spend too much money, I'd rather do it in the States where there's a better prospect for a sales job (believe it or not, but in Denmark there's a lot more bureacracy in getting just a typical job in retail) and most of all, I saw this as a good opportunity to spend time with  my family which has all but fallen apart, and I can't forget...Alan.

So since being home I've really enjoyed the nice weather, spending nights chatting with my mom on her Queen Size bed, watching E! with her and bonding, just as I have with my father.  I've also had the time to reconnect with old friends, hang out with my brother, and fall in love with Alan!

I know...it's dangerous what he and I are delving into, but I just can't help it. We know deep down inside that our relationship has no possibility of sustaining itself once I move back to Denmark - but that's also the great part of this all. He just got out of a 7 year relationship, and I out of nearly 4 years of continuous relationships, so a relationship of forever is not what we should be getting ourselves into. I don't feel the panic feeling of being tied down like I have in every single other relationship, because I know at some point I will be emancipated - I made the promise to myself that I wouldn't get into a long term commitment with anybody for a year or two after Anders, but after meeting Alan last Christmas while home in San Diego for vacation, I just fell.

Which also scares me...as much as I am enjoying this time with Alan, and know that I am relieved that this isn't something eternal....each day my love grows stronger and stronger for him. For the first time, in a long time, I am letting myself fall...it's like subconsciously I've enabled myself to really feel for the first time, because before with Anders, I felt trapped feeling like it was going to be forever with him, whereas with Alan, I know it's not, so I feel secure in letting myself feel everything. It's hard to put it in words, and I'm sure it makes no sense what I'm trying to express.

The way he kisses me, the way his skin feels, the sexy hair on his chest, his piercing latin eyes, how he expresses himself when talking with his hands, his extreme Mexican personality. Little things, like seeing his jet black hair make me smile. He's the first guy I've really felt physically compatible with. He's nuts about my ass and I'm nuts about his cock. It doesn't get any better...the sex is so passionate...I'm in love with him.

And for song long I was holding myself back from telling him that I loved him. I wanted to wait for the right moment, but he stole that moment away from me. In a good way.

He took my out to dinner in Hillcrest (gay district) and it was so romantic. Finally after nearly 2.5 months of waiting to see eachother, we were reunited again and it felt so good. As he received the bill, he kept saying he didn't understand the charges and couldn't figure out what the tip would be, so I asked him to give me the receipt but he kept writing something on it. I told him to give it to me for God sakes!, and when I took the receipt it said, "I love you....what can I say. I've been dying to tell you this for such a long time".

I blushed so much...I think that was one of the most romantic things someone has ever done for me. My ex-boyfriend was the king of romatic things, don't get me wrong, he knew how to swoon me, and I don't disregard his wonderful for me. But something about this incident touched me.

Other than that I've been working a lot lately, albeit, I don't get paid shit at Banana Republic compared to Danish standards, but it's fine enough. The retail world is so much more competitive than in Denmark. In Denmark you're just paid to stand there and smile, sort of help customers. Here they want you to attack and harass the customer until they feel pressured to buy something. It's weird. I really like my colleagues though and the work atmosphere.

More of an update later, lots to talk about.